Hello Humans of the internet! Happy Valentine’s Day! If you have a specific person in your life with whom you like to spend Valentine’s Day, I hope that you had a great Valentine’s Day. If you don’t have a person, or can’t spend Valentine’s Day with your person, then I hope you bought yourself some chocolate and a cute little Valentine of your choosing. I and many other Christian people’s of certain denominations including Lutheran and Catholic, spent the day fasting. If you’re not interested in reading a Jesus post, this is your cue to stop reading this post.
Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. I’ve talked about Lent before and I want to talk about it again. It’s honestly one of my favorite times of the year. I enjoy feeling closer to God and closer to my church family. This year I realized that I need Lent more than ever before. This August will be two years since our Pastor died. Our church still hasn’t found a pastor. It’s a really upsetting thing. Not having Pastor hurts. A lot. Pastor has been our Pastor for ages, he baptized me (And Lutherans do infant baptism so that was almost 23 years ago.) Pastor was the only pastor that I ever knew. Because of that, a part of me feels that any pastor in our church who isn’t Pastor, would be replacing him and I find the idea of Pastor being replaced very upsetting. But, being a congregation without a pastor is also very upsetting.
I went to the Ash Wednesday service and had ashes put on my forehead in the shape of a cross. And spent the whole time wishing for a pastor. I don’t want to speak for the whole church, but I for one need a shepherd. I have never found myself so spiritually lost before. I reach out, but I feel like I’m grasping at straws. I haven’t been to church in months. I was going to put a because in there but I don’t have one. I don’t know why I stopped going, I just did. Every week I found some way to justify it, “I have a headache” “I’m really tired” “I don’t think I can be around people” “I read my Bible” “I don’t need to go to church to practice my faith” “Faith is more than sitting in a building”
I’ve been frustrated with my own fears and inadequacies. But I realized that slowly I’ve become ashamed of my faith. I apologize for being Christian. I try not to tell people at first, or at all that I’m Christian. I stay silent. If someone says something to me that is directly in opposition to my faith, I stay silent. I let them tell me my faith is a lie, so they won’t be upset with me.
Usually, I don’t talk about my Lent Fast because it’s very personal between a person and God. But this year I’m fasting silence. I’m not going to be ashamed of my faith. I’m going to live my faith.