Hello Humans of the internet! I planned a completely different post for today, but when I opened my page to write that post I had a notification telling me “Happy Anniversary on WordPress.com.” So, I’m going to write about that instead (I’ll talk about the sky next week. It’ll still be there, but it won’t still be my blog’s birthday).
First of all, if you read Monday’s post, you might have noticed in my ramblings that I said my blog’s anniversary was in September. Also that it’s not September. This is because I thought that I had started my blog in September. I had completely forgotten about one angry night when I first registered to WordPress and wrote out my a post called Welcome to my Blog. This was on August 23rd 2015. It was the day before I left for college to start my junior year. Today, I’m going to talk about how much I’ve changed in not very much time.
The first and most noticeable is that I actually post on here now. When I first started the blog, I was mad. One to many people had said something along the lines of, “You have dyslexia? But seem smart?” (THAT WAS A PROFESSOR!) I hated being treated like I wasn’t allowed to be smart and dyslexic and I hated seeing other people being treated that way even more. But, it turns out that writing out of hate, really doesn’t work for me. Being angry wasn’t the motivation that I needed to write. Several times I thought about just deleting the page and giving up. But, 20-year-old me, felt like there was some kind of purpose to this, I just needed to figure that out.
That ended when I started dating a guy that was not a good guy for me. It didn’t take long for me to feel like, I didn’t have a purpose, much less my blog. It was a weird time. It’s weird to have someone say, I love you and sound like they mean it, but somehow, you still feel like you aren’t good enough. Somehow like you didn’t deserve their, I love you.
Finally, we broke up, which then sent me on a bit of an existential crisis. (I typically feel like that’s an over used term, but it fits what I was going through). I was looking for who I was as a person, because I hadn’t been that person in a long time. I also, made a sudden decision to study abroad and applied to the only theater program that I could find that was still taking applications. I had a weird time and blogged about it in What a Week and Meh. I tried to post every Friday which turned into every Saturday which turned into once every week or so…
I thought about dropping out of school. At 21 (that’s how old I was at that point) I had zero self esteem and dating the wrong guy didn’t help. I binge watched Gilmore Girls. That’s when I started walking. Not to get healthy or get sunshine or anything. I just started walking one day at around midnight. I walked through the graveyard (I went to a really old school and we have a massive cemetery between the football field and the soccer field). I never figured out if I was going for a walk or if I was running away from my own emotions (oh well).
August rolled back around, I was still feeling like nothing that I do will ever matter to anyone. That also made it hard to blog. I assumed no one would ever read it, so what was the point. Besides, me from a year ago reasoned, even if I wrote it people would just think that I was stupid because it would be full of mistakes.
Despite feeling like this, I made it to London and wrote about my adventures. This is where the self discovery portion of the year and a half long existential crisis began. I thought I could be a travel blogger. I discovered that while traveling is cool and I definitely want to go more places, talking about it isn’t really my thing. It was hard to know what to say. Because I mostly wanted to talk about this one painting that I saw in the Victoria and Albert museum that from a distance looked like it had gold paint (which is a thing. Sometimes artists use very thin pieces of gold in artwork to create certain looks.) But upon closer inspection, it was actually five or six shades of yellow creating the look of gold threads in a garment. It was beautiful.
I thought that I could be a beauty guru. Then I remembered that I don’t know how to do “normal make-up” and my sense of style is so bizarre, no one would look to me for fashion advice. I’ve been filling up my posts with links to other posts a lot lately, so in that trend, I’ll link my beauty blogger attempt here. (Also, if you read that last link (or not) what do you think I should do for Halloween this year?)
I made it back to South Carolina in time for Christmas with my family and my final semester of college. I found about two drops of self esteem left in me. Which were promptly used up. There were a number of things, but I think the tipping point was when someone that I thought was my friend started sending me really threatening text messages. Eventually, I tried to talk to my adviser about what was going on and ended up sitting on the floor of his office crying.
A few weeks later, it was the week before graduation. On a Thursday. I went for a walk in the graveyard again. That was the moment that I felt completely overwhelmed with the feeling of “why am I trying so hard to handle everything on my own?” I realized that I didn’t have to because I wasn’t alone. Minus the going blind bit, I related to Paul on the road to Damascus (I guess Jesus thought I was blind enough already). The point is that I realized fully and completely in that moment that God was with me and I know that he still is. He was with me through every up and down in my life up to now and he’ll be there forever. (Actually forever. Not like me three minutes after lunch saying I haven’t eaten in forever.)
After that I stopped worrying about what I was and where my place in the world fell. I started asking what He wanted me to do and I got some interesting and very clear answers.
After that, I wanted to share this new found joy and confidence. I wanted people to know that it doesn’t matter what you think is holding you back: You have a purpose. I’m a dyslexic writer, tell me how that makes sense. I know that this is a long post and you might not have made it all the way here. (I know not everyone who follows this is Christian, but I am and this is what I believe.) I believe that God doesn’t call the qualified but qualifies the called. God wanted to use me to talk about people who happen to have disabilities so he gave me one that took my ability to read and write, then he gave me the tools to learn reading and writing a different way.
This got a lot heavier then intended. I was writing about Dysadventures birthday and now we’re here at the end of an incredibly long post….I promise Friday will be short. Much love, AK